There is one subject I never write about really… although, it is the subject that occupies my heart and mind all the time.
God. Why? Well… for a few reasons. One, I don’t concretely understand “God” or what that means. Human, spirit, feeling… all three? The abstract can be mind boggling.
Secondly, I don’t attach to a specific religion. Although my known story of discourse is a Christian/Catholic Jesus and God, I have not figured out which words I believe were written by man and which God. Also, I am open to different religious truths and feel odd claiming one to be right over another, and I cringe if religion in any form is used in a self-righteous or oppressive way. Even “love the sinner not the sin” bothers me based on the connotation it is used when we selectively and conveniently choose the “sins” of another to focus on. That said, I know MANY, MANY beautiful religious (as I know MANY, MANY beautiful atheist) people out there that exude kindness and unconditional love.
But lastly, I struggle with my concept of God because the unanswered questions drive my mind and heart wild. Is our story written and we are just playing a part? If everything is “meant to be” why would there ever be evil actions? If God creates our personalities are some people better suited to make better decisions through their exercise of “free will,” or are we all on the same playing field for our capacity to choose good. Because some people out there… I am like “how are you such a GOOD person?” And others… well you know. And If God is stronger than free will why won’t God intervene?
I mean, if we pray for a child to heal are we implying that to not heal a child means we did not pray hard enough, or God chose not to? If God always chooses in the end what are we praying for? Obviously, God, please save this child-please save every child. I mean our God is a smart God, surely that would be obvious… right God? So I feel like the correct prayer I am “supposed” to pray is for peace, guidance, and acceptance… because to pray for an outcome would be to imply a preferential pardon or something. But yet, you bet when a mom asks me to pray for her child to heal, I will pray exactly that. And if it was my child, of course I am going to pray for her or him to heal! I don’t want peace for an outcome I can’t imagine. Sure… wise Krista wants this. Not me though. I don’t want to learn how to live at peace with a loss I cannot imagine. I don’t want to be stronger or better for that road. I want my children safe, happy, and healthy. Every mom wants this. Every parent.
And like many, I find myself crediting God and thanking God for anything and anyone I am “given,” but yet I know I could not blame God for things not given or taken away. I would blame myself… or people, but probably not God. Or at least I would try not to. For some reason it has always felt “off limits” to do this. So, personally, I only credit God for the good in my life, in myself, and in this world, all the while secretly knowing the logic might not be completely consistent. Did I mention I really LOVE logic?
So after I had kids, I felt drawn into God and the miracle of life in a new surreal way. Every time I glanced into my children’s eyes I felt a love that was simply beyond this world. But while I feel drawn in spiritually to God in a deeper way than ever before, I am more conflicted than ever at my perpetually unanswered questions. Truth be told, I feel extreme guilt for even asking these questions. So God, it’s not that I don’t believe in you, trust you, love you, and know I am loved by you. It is more like I don’t completely get you, and therefore I don’t know how to explain you… to my tiny children. An over-thinker to the core, I am not one for knowing how to simplify explanations to a two- year-old cognition level.
So instead of teaching my daughter about God. Apparently my daughter is here to teach me.
So here’s what happened…
The other day I was scrolling through Facebook when my daughter, Addy, grabbed my hand to look at my feed. Noticing a picture of an old college friend with long gorgeous blonde hair, Addy squealed to me “Stop stop stop. I want to look at the princess.” I chucked at her reaction and clicked on the page. *The page we clicked on is actually a fundraiser and awareness page for the GM1 Foundation I find myself frequenting quite a bit lately. The girl affected by this hereditary condition has a terminal outlook without funding for a potential cure, and I feel the family’s anxiety of what must feel like an indescribably terrifying race against the clock as they try to balance their time for advocacy for a cure and sacred family moments. The yound girl is around my daughter’s age and looks a lot like her with matching blonde wavy hair, cherub cheeks, and dark brown eyes.
Addy asks me, “Mama who is that?!”
“That’s a little girl around your age named Clara. She is sick,” I reply as my eyes start to tear up (as they often do here). Addy then proceeds to obsessively watch the videos of the sweet girl. Over and over again. Completely entranced.
I remind Addy, “Honey you don’t know her.”
Addy responds, “I love her mommy.” And I kind of giggle at her innocence and brush it off. But then she continued…
“God loves all of us, so I love her.”
Now that is some sound spiritual logic. Of course she must of learned this at preschool at some point, but this was the first time she ever made this declaration at home. Not even Elsa, Anna, or Supergirl have warranted this statement from her mouth.
I sat an awe and held her hand.
“Honey. I don’t know her either, but I love her too. I guess that must be because God loves all of us, so we love her.”
Thank you Addy. I know what is true in my heart, and I need to remember to let that truth guide me a bit more… even when I don’t completely get it all.
Two year olds are so dang smart sometimes. 😉
*And if you feel compelled to learn more about the young girl my daughter obsessively Facebook stalked for an hour you can go here to learn about or donate to the cause. A Cure for Clara