As a writer my mind is verbose and my fingers anxious to pound that keyboard with my annoying two cents on any normal day. I do it for me not you 😉

And yet as coronavirus hit, I have grown quiet.  My mind is a milkshake of fears, hopes, facts, and uncertainty – Even I can’t dissect the semblance of ingredients of coherent thought. 

Because how do you really react to something you ‘know’ your generation was never immune to, but yet you know nothing else other than this invisible cloak of assumption that protected all of us before – That everything will be ok because everything has always been OK. Circular reasoning, I realize. 

It is safe to say, that for most of us ‘this’ is new. But ‘this is us’ now.

I am a perpetual depression/anxiety prone optimist and introverted extrovert. Needless to say, life is a freaking conundrum for me most normal days. So these days, my brain is a swirly palette of confusion. What will I paint with this new mess?

What will we? What will we learn? Can we make it out better?

I have never believed that everything happens for a reason. There is never a good reason for a human to be taken too soon from disease or harm. I believe God brings peace through confusion, turmoil and pain, but does not cause it – OR cure it. I firmly believe we are not punished by anyone other than ourselves and horrific natural disasters and disease.

Ironically and guilt filled, I am aware that through these unimaginable horrors, the remainder of the population benefits in some small way. We benefit because we remember to love the crap out of one another and appreciate one another.

I feel a little stripped, a little lost, and confused as hell. And everyone else I’ve talked to feels the exact damn way. I get lost in media and don’t know what’s real and what’s not. I panic making the smallest decisions for my family – for our health and sanity.

When I get out of here, will I finally remember not to fear the little things? Will I remember to hug every damn stranger I meet? Or will everyone be completely filled with panic and scared of my hugs from now on? I don’t bite most good days – promise. 

I don’t know. No one does. I know right now – I have never felt more grateful yet hurt; connected yet alone; panicked yet peaceful; depressed yet hopeful; scared yet brave; busy yet doldrum.

I am ready for the fight, but I don’t know what to fight. I am ready to love, but I don’t even know how – physically.

I want to take away spiritual lessons, but I am too busy trying to survive. Some days, my thoughts go to a dark place. I’ve had a slew of health issues that cause me panic in the most normal of days. And these are not normal days. Part of me feels I should chronicle, think, write, and leave a legacy behind… you know, just in case. I want to wrap my children in bubble wrap some days, and other days I just want to let go and pray for their natural strength. They can’t live in a bubble.

I want to spend my days appreciating my family and getting closer to God. Yet, I am too numb to truly embrace either of those things, but I am trying. I wish I had something wiser to write than the sentiment that frankly I am a bewildered loving mess right now, but that is kind of all I’ve got. But I wanted to say something.

And literally as I type these last words it is my toddlers currently attempting strangulation at each other that will hold a greater statistical likelihood of a horrific outcome than the coronavirus ever could on our house – Take that corona! (I am half kidding… I had to leave it light at the end because ya know, coping mechanisms…)

In sum, I miss the shit out of you world – You have no idea. I hope I learn to love you in new ways. I feel everything and nothing to the greatest extent I have ever felt everything and nothing before.

And I think through these ramblings I found my truth:

God is the soul not the outcome…

More on that another time…